I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
