everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
