i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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