if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
