The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Randomize
