I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
