I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
