it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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