"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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