I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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