i need an iv and a liver transplant
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
