Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
