I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
