things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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