so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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