this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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