The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
