I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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