Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
