I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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