I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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