Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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