I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize