who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
