My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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