i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
