New low: just hacked my moms facebook
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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