Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
