If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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