someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
only you would photoshop your dick
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
