I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
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He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
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My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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