we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
