I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
