i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
