i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
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