I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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