he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
