i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
