Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
