I can't watch pbs sober anymore
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize
