I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
