Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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