I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
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