I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
