I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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