when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
