My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
