It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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