Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
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Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
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I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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