You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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