i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
