Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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