My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
