The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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