New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
