Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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