just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
