dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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